Grace in the Middle: Communication in Marriage
Hello Friends, and welcome back to Grace in the Middle.
This week, I’d like to focus on marriage — and the power of communication. Communication is so vital to a healthy marriage, yet sometimes it’s one of the hardest things to do well.
When you’re newly married, everything feels sweet and full of love. Little quirks don’t seem to matter much at first. But over time, those “small things” can start to build up. You might not even realize it until suddenly, that one little thing starts eating at you. You don’t want to hurt your spouse’s feelings or make them feel bad, so you stay quiet — but inside, resentment starts to grow.
Here’s the truth: your spouse can’t read your mind. No matter how many hints you drop, they may not catch on — at least not in the way you hope. Most of the time, your husband or wife truly wants to please you and make you happy, but they can’t meet a need they don’t understand.
I remember struggling with this early in our marriage. A few small examples, I’d get frustrated when Ryan didn’t take his plate to the sink after dinner or when he left water spots on the counter. At first, it didn’t seem like a big deal, but over time, I started thinking things like, “Why does he expect me to take care of everything?” or “I do more around the house than he does.” And the one that really started to twist my heart was, “If this is how he treats me, then I’ll treat him the same way.”
That mindset led straight to resentment — and it wasn’t healthy. We weren’t healthy. The biggest problem was that I didn’t know how to tell him what was bothering me. I didn’t have the tools or the words to talk about it, and we didn’t have a shared language to work through those kinds of issues.
Counseling helped us a lot, and so did reading together. If your marriage is in an unhealthy place, I highly recommend counseling. But even if you’re in a good season, learning better communication skills can always strengthen your connection.
A few books that have made a huge difference for us are:
1. The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman
This book helps you understand how you feel loved and how you give love — and, more importantly, how your spouse does too. For example, I’ve learned that I show love through acts of service, but I feel loved through quality time. Ryan, on the other hand, feels loved through quality time and expresses love through giving gifts.
It’s really special that we both feel most loved through quality time. When we slow down and spend time together — whether it’s sitting and watching something together, going for a drive, or just doing something around the house — our hearts reconnect and our cups overflow. Those simple moments remind us that love doesn’t always need grand gestures; sometimes it just needs presence.
2. His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley
We went through this one during a class called Dynamic Marriages, which was incredibly helpful. Even if you just read the book on your own, it gives you language and structure to talk about areas that often go unspoken: chores, sex, admiration, recreation, and more. It opened the door for us to talk about things we hadn’t realized were affecting each other.
Even though we read it during a healthy season, it still gave us tools we use today — especially when life gets busy or stressful.
If there’s one takeaway from this week’s post, it’s this: your spouse isn’t your enemy. You’re on the same team, working toward the same goal — a marriage that reflects love, grace, and understanding.
Let your communication come from a place of love, not frustration. As Ephesians 4:2–3 reminds us:
“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.”
So maybe this week, take a quiet moment together — no distractions, no TV, no phones — and just talk. Ask, “How can I love you better right now?” You might be surprised how much healing starts with one honest conversation.
With grace and gratitude,
Joanna
